Le Phew
by tiddarifka
Summary: If you have ever watched Warner Brother's Loony Tunes, then you know what's coming just from the title.
1. Chapter 1

Le Phew – I own nothing but the strange plot.

HI! I'm Rifka the new security camera chunnin of Leaf village and this my un- official report to Ibiki Morino san head of torture and interrogation disguised as a personal letter. (All the gossip that is not to be discussed outside upper levels of security, yeah all the really good stuff.)

Today's subject is the rather bizarre chase scene that took place inside the Hokage and Mission offices, who was involved and how it ended. The entire incident appears to have started when Jiraiya san entered the Hokage's office at 6 Am for a discussion on the future of one Naruto, gennin of leaf village. Also present were the Hokage, her assistant Shizune, Kakashi Hatake - Jonin sensei and Iruka Umuino - Pre- genin sensei.

From all outside security cameras, the meeting went smoothly apart from the usrual complaints about Kakashi san's punctuality and a rather loud expletive from Iruka san. Loud voices from the Hokage's office are not unusual but as protocol dictates I switched on the internal security camera for a brief look to be sure everything was still secure.

There was nothing out of the ordinary at first and I was about to turn the camera off again when Iruka san and Kakashi san were covered by a puff of smoke which quickly faded to reveal two black and white animals in their places. At first I believed them to be same species, but closer inspection revealed one to be a black and white cat while the other resembled a raccoon dog, sorta.

Turning the sound on I heard the Hokage yelling at Jiraiya about stupid jitsu, idiots and cures in that order. This diatribe was interesting enough for me to almost miss what happened next. I have since watched it in replay several times and apparently the raccoon thing started to make amorous advances towards the cat, causing it to hastily move away from it, unfortunately the raccoon followed it and the movements of both animals became a mad chase around the office. This chase included rebounding off walls, floors, ceilings and occasionally Jiraiya san's head before a window was broken and both animals escaped.

What followed was a combination of both rampage and chase that would have been a comedy movie maker's delight. All footage available from security cameras has been edited onto the enclosed tape, my favorite piece is the cat diving down the shirt of Kiba Inuzuka in an attempt to escape the raccoon, which followed and both animals being chased out by Kiba's dog that was already in residence there. My coworkers prefer the section where the cat runs up a utility pole backwards, sits apparently safe on the top for about a minute, or at least until the raccoon thing finds several ropes and a ladder. No, I don't know how a raccoon would know how to use those things either.

In any case the chase ended when the raccoon took a running jump at the cat and took both of them out of the village limits. We lost them for about 10 minutes while we redirect the systems to look outside the village perimeter and finally got two dust trails going into the forbidden forest. Due to a lack of cameras in this area we are unable to report what happened next. Save that Jiraiya san and the Hokage arrived and entered soon after.

I then had all cameras in the area placed on motion sensor, while we made arrangements to fix up the chaos the two animals had caused in their wake.

About 2 hours later, both the hokage and Jiraiya san emerged from the forest dragging a very bedraggled pair of men with them. Iruka san and Kakashi san. Both were taken to hospital where they remain in isolation until the hokage says otherwise. Jiraiya san has since vanished from the village.

This concludes my report, for further details one must interview the Hokage, Jiruya san, Iruka san and Kakashi san for details.

Rifka security detail.

Author's note – Blame my partner for this one, they just finished re-watching their entire collection of loony tunes and my favorite character one "pepe le-phew" wouldn't leave me alone. The only real question to my mind is who was the cat and who was the skunk Hmmm? Oh referring to the skunk as a raccoon happened because I'm pretty sure Naruto's section of the world doesn't have skunks or even knows what one is.


	2. Chapter 2

Le Phew – chapter 2

Report by tifka

Subject - interviews with witnesses

- Incident – animals in hokage's offices.

Witness List – Jiraiya, Tsunade, Shizune, Iruka and Kakashi.

Jiraiya is not available for interview as he has left the village on an information gathering mission.

Tsunade refuses to be interviewed.

Shizune was willing to be interviewed, until Tsunade refused her permission to speak on the subject.

Iruka is still in the isolation ward in the hospital, where he seems to suffering from a severe phobia to water, foreign accents and romantic literature. Doctors recommend peace and quiet for a few more days before attempting interview.

Kakashi is also still the isolation ward, or rather it's bathroom. He seems to have developed a mental delusion that he stinks and no one can stand to be near him. He has taken up residence in a shower fully clothed, with the water turned on full force and has refused to leave it. Other symptoms include spouting bad pick up lines in foreign accents and a strange insistence that his clothes are in fact his fur and therefore he cannot remove them. Doctors are considering using a tranquiller dart in another 24 hours if his behavior has not changed. It is unknown when or even if he will be fit for interview.

This concludes current report. Will update when new information comes forth.


	3. Chapter 3

Le Phew chapter 3

Last chapter, maybe.

Security report No. 84754830

Animals in Hokage office incident

Final Interviews by Tifka

Security clearance level S

The following are the final reports on the above incidence. The Hokage has forbidden the matter to be followed up. Further when Jiraiya sanpai returns to the village she is to be informed immediately.

Interview with Hokage – Not forthcoming, she has refused but has allowed her assistant Shizune to be questioned.

Interview with Jiraiya sanpai – Again not forthcoming, he is no longer in the village. The Hokage has however stated that she will deal with him personally the next time he shows his face, unless other matters (e.g. Enemy attack) take precedence.

Interview with Shizune san - (Streamlined account of interview minus a great deal of giggling on Shizune's part)

All parties were present at the office to discuss the future of Naruto.

All parties were on time, except for Kakashi San.

Iruka san commented on this rather loudly, but as this has become normal conversation between these two lately it was ignored, until Jiraiya sanpai asked how long the two of them had been married.

Kakashi san replied about as long as you and the Hokage while Iruka stuttered with embarrassment. Shizune giggled and apologized to the hokage for doing so.

The Hokage grinned and said it happens when two people can't stop arguing with each other and is only a worry when they actually stop.

This brought forth a loud explanation from Iruka San while Kakashi laughed, where upon Jiriaya sanpai said 'No it's true and I'll prove it.'

Jiraiya sanpai then did a series of seals and a large cloud of smoke covered both Iruka san and Kakashi san. When it cleared both had been transformed. Iruka san into a Black and White cat of skittish disposition and Kakashi into a black and white animal resembling a raccoon dog but actually being called a skunk, an animal native to the northern continent across the western sea.

Said Skunk then began to speak in a thick foreign accent what appeared to be 'pick up lines' while approaching the cat with flowers removed from the Hokages desk. It was also about this time a foul odour began to be emitted for the neither regions of the skunk; this caused the cat to panic after one sniff, and resulted in the chase scene around the hokage's office as viewed on the security monitors.

As the odor grew worse and the chase more frenzied, Jiraiya sanpai moved to open a window but instead broke it with his forehead as both the cat and the skunk rebounded off it. The Cat was the first to escaped followed by the Skunk.

Shizune san then opened every window in the office to let in fresh air. The hokage had Jirariya sanpai in a head lock and was demanding that he return the pair to their normal selves. Jirariya replied that it was all right the Jitsu had a time limit of 30 minutes. To which the hokage replied 'no it didn't you used that stupid Jitsu on me and Orochimaru when we were 15 and it took 3 hours for it wear off, not mention the side effects.'

With this the hokage dragged Jiraiya sanpai out of the office stating that they were going to fix things and Shizune was to de-stink the office and have the hospital prepare two isolation rooms.

These were all the events witnessed by Shizune and from their content I believe we can understand the hokages reluctance to be interviewed.

Interview with Iruka Umuino 3 days after incidence while recovering in hospital. Again the interview is summarized because general vagueness, reluctance and embarrassment on the part of Iruka san.

As previously stated Iruka san was attending a meeting in the hokages office when Kakashi san arrived late.

As Kakashi has been increasingly reluctant to hand his reports in on time in the mission office Iruka san felt entitled to State a complaint to the hokage. This was meant to be a single civilized statement, kakashi san then apparently provoked it into an unintended argument in front of the Hokage. At which both the Hokage and Jiraiya sanpai proceeded to laugh and make comment on.

This caused Kakashi San to make further provoking comments, causing Iruka san to lose his temper and start yelling. Jiraiya then said something about proving the theory and performed a jitsu of some sort.

The following events are something of a blur for Iruka san after that but he remember suddenly being smaller, a terrible smell and someone waving flowers at him and inviting him the 'catsbarrrrrr' in a thick foreign accent.

This caused him to panic and try to escape from a strange black and white creature that was alternately trying to embraced him and hopping placidly after him when it missed.

At last there was a sound of breaking glass, gust of fresh air and an open window to escaped though.

Things are a little clearer after that due to the fresh air and freedom from a confined space. After the initial panic at finding himself a cat being pursued by a raccoon, Iruka san tried to return the Hokages's office in search of help but found his way continually blocked by the raccoon, which was still proffering wilted flowers and bad pick up lines. 'Wait for me my little pigeon' and 'do run from me my love' being the only ones Iruka san was willing to repeat.

Iruka san tried everything to get away from the raccoon from hiding, to appealing for protection from friends and former students, to extreme avoidance tactics such as the utility pole. The 'Damn Raccoon' kept coming, placidly hopping along spouting romantic rubbish and dead flowers.

Finally as an extreme measure, and since the chase had made it all the way to the outskirts of the village, Iruka san took desperate measures and run under the fence to the forbidden forest. His logic being if he could make it to the centre tower he could hold out until help arrived. Iruka san admits that exhaustion was over taking his mind at this point and he was not thinking very clearly at all.

The last thing he remembers in the forest is disturbing a nest of huge insects and being forced to take refuge in a hole in the ground, which to his horror was also occupied by the raccoon. Iruka san thinks he fainted the moment the raccoon seized him in an amorous embrace and started whispering poetry in his ear.

There is a further blurry recollection of being pulled out of the hole by the scruff of his neck and being forced to walk on two legs instead of four, to the isolation wing of the hospital.

After the above events Iruka san was sedated and enforced bed rest was ordered until He stopped shaking every time someone with a deep voice spoke. His recovery appears to be complete after 4 days of quiet and he should return to his full duties shortly.

Interview with Kakashi Hatake 5 days after incident. Kakashi was restrained and guarded by orderlies to prevent him from taking refuge in the shower again, as he continues to insist that he stinks. Interview is summarized because 50 of it was nothing else but arguments to get back into the shower. Medical staff have been forced to used tranquilizer darts on him three times, in order to get him out before hypothermia or other water related complications set in.

Kakashi San also clearly remembers the meeting in the Hokage's office; he remembers being late and Iruka San complaining about his late reports. Kakashi chuckles over this because he thinks Iruka San is funny when annoyed. Apparently he reminds him of an outraged squirrel, due to the pony tail.

This provoked further argument and Jiraiya sanpai asked them when they got married, this was very amusing and caused a bit of back and forth bartering between the Hokage and Kakashi san until Iruka san finally exploded.

Then Jiraiya sanpai said he could prove it and began to form seals. There was a puff of smoke and feeling of euphoria before he felt himself shrink.

Kakashi then found himself blissfully happy and staring at the most beautiful creature in the world. A black and white cat with silky fur, large brown eyes and a slight scent of panic. Seeking only to calm the precious creature Kakashi collected some flowers from the desk and gently approach the feline, uttering reassurances in his most romantic voice.

The cat overcome by his advances began to playfully run away from him and they enjoyed a vigorous game of tag around the office before Jiraiya san pai frighten the poor angel by breaking the window.

This clearly induced a panic attack in the cat because it flew out of the window and started running hysterically around the village trying to hide. It didn't matter what he did the object of his affections would not calm down.

Finally the cat ran into the forbidden forest which cause his romantic aspirations to rise again as it meant he could perform a romantic rescue and finally have romance as it was meant to be.

The cat disturbed a nest of giant wasps and took refuge in a hole. Kakashi gracefully dodge the wasps, knocked them out with a simple Jitsu and joined the cat in the hole. The cat fell gratefully into his arms, he proceed to nuzzled its ears and whisper all of his 'hearts desires' to it.

A can of tear gas was suddenly dumped down the hole, and while he was choking hands tore his 'love' from his arms before rudely grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and dragging him from the whole. First thing he saw was Tsunade vigorously shaking the cat which disappeared in a puff of smoke and became a rather battered looking young man who fell on the ground in a dead faint.

Then the Hokage seized hold of him, told him he stank to high heaven and repeated the shaking treatment on him, where upon he return to normal and became aware of the foul stench he was still emitting before he fainted too.

Kakashi san was then forced to support Iruka san all the way to the hospital, where they were admitted to the isolation ward.

Only symptoms of the incident remaining with Kakashi san are a need to constantly bath, at this time, this is because of the tranquilizer darts slowing his recovery rate. Medics however state that he should recover in a day or two as long as they don't have to dart him again.

This concludes this report and the incident on the Hokages orders.

Signed Tifka

Security Division


End file.
